wonky, worms, and the Borg

I’ve got this weird thing in my head where I ‘wake up’ to realizations months and sometimes even years after things happen. I’m not sure if this is what makes time passing wonky for me or if it’s the other way around. On one level I’m with it, I know what’s going on, on another level I’m not aware of myself at all being in the now and then later when I have memories I have to sort them out like a puzzle figuring out the time order they came in, and on another level still (and this is where it comes months and years later) I suddenly ‘get’ the big picture from a third person viewpoint. So basically I can coexist with a factoid that everyone takes for granted (and really doesn’t care about), realize it’s a thing way later even though I was involved all along, and then suddenly even wayer laterer get this thunderclap how I must have looked knowing something and not knowing it at the same time.

I’m obsessed with the Schrodinger’s cat dilemma and the photo slit experiment. I don’t think existence has to be perceived even if it purportedly must be observed. I’m not sure perceiving is enough in the “I think therefore I am” equation. Everything around us is pretty solid ‘am’ without too much thought leaking around. It’s like saying “I’m aware of my existence, therefore I exist.” Worms accomplish that every day, they just don’t have words for it, unless maybe they do but they’re not sharing a vast wealth of planet knowledge with us. The problem with the cat is no one assumes it will fight to get out of the box and knock the geiger counter around in the process, possibly setting off a false reading or even disabling it, and when we finally open the box we get a tangle of cat in our faces and stagger about clutching our bloody eyeballs.

It’s bothering me that even though I can download my entire twitter history, address links are not yet available for individual mobile tweets, at least on my phone, so even though I can find the very first time I tweeted with a particular person out of 46,600 tweets, I can’t open that tweet and I can’t pull it up on a twitter search even with precise word combinations because it’s too old and I can’t scroll back that far through the actual history on my laptop without bogging down to the point where it can’t load any more because the script stops running. Why do I want that, you ask. Because if I could open that tweet I could see the rest of the conversation around it, I say. Why is that so important, you ask. Because I have a weird wonky time tangled memory and it’s nice to be able to see what actually happened and the order it happened in, I say. Why do you even care, you say. Because after a lifetime of aspie disconnection it’s nice to finally be able to plug emotional bonds into the correct holes in my head, I say. Seeing something in print is more solid to me than just remembering something, like reinforcement. I feel lost when something seems vague and blurry in my head because I wasn’t paying the right kind of attention in the first place to make notes the same way other people do in face to face and phone conversations.

I’m an after the fact person. I’ve been tweeting with several groups of people for a long time and it’s just now hitting me they seem to know me and my idiosyncrasies much better than I do theirs because it took me so many months in the first place to establish which avatar goes with whose name (and both changing every little bit throws me off), where they live and which kids and pets are theirs if they have any, the different jobs they have, the things they like. I’m loving every minute of it, actually, wish my whole life had been twitter so it would have made more sense. I have an awesome memory for something I’ve seen in print and have irritated people for years quoting something they wrote ages ago in blogs or forums and they either have no recollection or aren’t remembering it properly, but I really suck at real time conversations because the words don’t come through my eyes. Sometimes I feel like a photon, like I’ve been in two (or more) different places for one event, and it takes awhile for memories of events to sift down into something I can associate into a timeline.

I wasn’t aware until my 30’s that this is a cognitive deficit I live with, and wasn’t aware until ten years later that it’s considered such a devastating brain problem that people who work with brain trauma victims and psychological assessment can’t believe I was able to hold jobs and make it through college. I work very hard at social mapping, and lately twitter is a huge part of being more successful with it. I can’t even imagine going back to a life without twitter. Social media is a godsend for me. I feel like I understand the attraction the Borg queen offered, being able to finally plug in and be accepted on a level I’ve never experienced before, and hear the world sing its song in my head. Through my eyeballs. But really and truly in my head once those brain implants get here.
 
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2 thoughts on “wonky, worms, and the Borg

  1. I’ve experienced a lot of the things you describe… Wanting to see tweets from years back, knowing something without knowing something, having amazing revelations years after the fact. I don’t think I’m aspie. I think many people have these experiences to varying degrees. As to social media, I love it. We live out in the country, and I could go weeks without talking to another person, besides my husband. All my friends have moved away. There have been few replacements. If it wasn’t for social media, I would have no social life at all. I have a problem with facial recognition. I have a hard enough time remembering media friends’ spouses, children, pets and location, but when they change their user name or avatar, I have a hard time recognizing them. We are all unique, interesting, and weird. 🙂

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    • Thanx, Louise, let me know when you’ve introduced yourself to the same person 3 times in 5 minutes at a function, lol. 😉 I realize and understand some of what I’m saying seems perfectly normal, and people tell me all the time they get their days mixed up, etc. I consistently show up to appointments on the wrong day and even the wrong week, have freaked out about missing the 4th of July 3 years in a row when it was still 2 weeks away, checked a couple into a hotel 6 different times and never once remembered them (they were hurt), I could go on. My global assessment function is around 60 on a good day. I’m not trying to win a contest. I spent many years never talking about myself on social media, no one had a clue. In 2008 I went public about having Asperger’s, and this last year I came out about having severe depression. There are many others afraid to admit they have problems like these for fear of being labeled crazy or attention-seeking or fear of being picked on (I’ve seen some really bad stuff go down in social media, honesty takes guts). It is only very lately becoming ok to talk about these things, and we don’t do it lightly, like shrugging it off as eccentricities and quirks. These are very painful and challenging things we live with and suffer repercussions from. There has been something ‘wrong’ with me all my life, and I’ve never gotten through any event without my parents or someone else letting me know that. I never once felt loved, forgiven, and accepted growing up. The big thing right now I’m seeing is parents around the world talking about how hard it is raising kids like me. I’m here to say Everything is going to be ok. Took me awhile (and a lot of work) to reach a point where I can communicate (this does NOT come naturally to me), and the reason I share my experiences is so other people won’t feel alone, like I did for so many years. I’m glad we’re all finding each other! 🙂 I believe we are ALL on a brain spectrum, we have overlapping things in common, and ‘normal’ is relative.

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