Tears

I don’t say a lot about my feelings about the history of the war over the possession of our planet, although my crazy obsession is well documented in several places. I just want to say, in my opinion, that the human spirit ultimately broke through the ice on a global scale with this one. If it’s really true that the industry owns and shapes our artists for their own benefits and purposes, then the anguish we suffer is our salvation from that evil.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, bless your hearts, but please open your eyes.

 

Christmas Lights

She was being very quiet and still as the car turned onto the highway. “Are you ok?” he asked, worried that this might have been a bad idea. “Yeah, I think so.” “Let me know if you want to turn back.” “I think I can do this.” “Ok.”

The night was very black, starless and oppressing. There wasn’t much to see in the dark except that there weren’t any other cars on the road. She imagined they were the only life left on the planet. Sometimes it felt like it, living so far out of metro in the woods.

She had asked for this ride. A year spent in failing health and pain had stopped nearly all her rides into town except to see doctors. The year before that they’d nearly lost a child in a hospital on Christmas. Who knew how long it would be until her own mother would die, laid up like a vegetable in a nursing home. It seemed like everything started getting hard and then harder and then tipped over an edge, like it could possibly never be easy again. Nothing was fun anymore. Nothing felt good or made her smile. She didn’t know how she could have any Christmas in the house without ruining it.

She used to love Christmas. She was the child that snuck out of bed every night to look at the lights on the tree, count the presents, and maybe steal a cookie. She was the adult who had stacks of cards ready to go by December 1st, sometimes even having them routed through a Christmas named town for special postmarks. She was the one who had all the goodies done up ahead and watched all the fun Christmas movies over and over. She even played Christmas music in the summertime and jumped on the Christmas in July sales, keeping carefully organized sacks in the closet for months.

Not this year. Not for several years. Ever again? Who could say.

“Why aren’t there any lights on?” she grumped as they passed lonely houses dotted across the hills and valleys of rural timber and farmland. “They were lit up last year.” “Maybe they’re not home,” he said. She could hear the quiet desperation behind his voice. He always tried to make everything ok. All they had to do was keep driving through the blackness. Just keep driving and hope the pain and nausea wouldn’t turn them back too quickly. Everything about riding in the car made her feel so sick nowadays.

“There’s one,” he pointed out. “Where? I missed it.” The house had been tucked back in the trees and disappeared as quickly as it had popped into view. “That’s ok. It wasn’t very good anyway. We’ll find better ones,” he said. She could tell that he could tell that she was already thinking that finding Christmas lights in the inky black countryside in the nasty cold with so much pain was a bad idea, but she was too depressed to go back home yet. She’d been stuck at home for so long, she needed to know fun and beautiful things were still going on outside of a television.

A few more minutes brought them to a smallish town that was sometimes described as a bedroom community to the city beyond because it had so much traffic with daily commuters. Oddly, there didn’t seem to be any Christmas lights here, either. “What’s going on? It’s after Thanksgiving, I thought there would be Christmas all over the place.” What she really wanted to say was ‘Maybe I’m in a parallel world or asleep and dreaming because it’s too surreal that we’re not finding any Christmas lights in a town all lit up with restaurants and pharmacies.’ “Let’s keep going,” he suggested. “We just need to find some houses. Do you think you can make it longer?” “Well, we’ve come this far, let’s go find a rich neighborhood, surely they’ll have some lights up.” But secretly she was turning her face away so he couldn’t see the tears already streaming down. She was hiding her pain and nausea with all her might, trying for once to give him a good experience back while he was trying so hard to help her have a good one herself.

But it was even worse in the rich neighborhood. Block after block of expensive homes looking so ordinary without any extra cheer was so dismal that she nearly gave up. “What happened to the lighting contests? Isn’t that the house I thought looked so cool because it was lit up like a gingerbread house when the kids were little?” She was so disgusted and angry now at all this fruitless effort, wasted time and miles, she nearly gave in to hatefulness and self pity that the pain was always nudging her toward, like a giant vat of nasty hot acid just waiting for her to splash into and corrode her soul into cold bitterness. She managed to veer away and quickly changed her next words to, “Let’s try that street where the guy you work with is.” “It’s someone in his family, it’s not him.” “Whatever. If he doesn’t have lights up, then something bad has happened and the world as we know it no longer knows what Christmas is or something. This is the weirdest Christmas light drive ever.”

In years past, they’d laughed about that guy being one of those obsessive people that spends thousands of dollars and works for months through the year getting his house and yard set up for Christmas. He even synced the lights to music and put a sign up to tune into a radio frequency as people drove by. It was quite annoying and clogged the street with traffic all night long, but he definitely knew how to make it feel like Christmas. On a night where it seemed like the entire world had forgotten to plug their lights in, he was their last hope.

“Is this the right street?” “Yes, see, there it is.” “Wait, THAT is his house? What happened?” She couldn’t believe it. The house and yard were lit up but there was no sign about the radio sync and the street was empty. It looked like he hadn’t finished yet, or perhaps had gotten tired and stopped after dragging half the boxes out. “Maybe something happened and he couldn’t get it all done.” They creeped by in silence, eyes wide, not laughing at how annoying it was, not saying a word. As they neared the end of the street he said, “That was weird.” “Yeah, no kidding.” She suddenly realized that being weirded out had distracted her so completely that she’d forgotten all about her pain, and started giggling. And he started laughing. And they couldn’t stop giggling and snickering through the rest of the drive all the way home, because how odd was it that the one night they chose to go see the lights, it was like the whole world missed a step and forgot to plug the lights in. “Oh, well,” he said as he turned off the highway onto their street, “there is always next year.”

‘If there is a next year,’ she thought. But she didn’t stop smiling the rest of the night because she’d gotten exactly what she needed- a really weird night of Christmas lights.

Note: Christmas hasn’t been normal since in my house. Every year we try to make it weirder than the year before, and we embrace the sadness that lurks through the dark looking for the lights.

When you feel grumpy about Christmas lights being out too early and ruining your day, please take a moment to think about the people who miss holidays because they are in hospitals, or stuck in their homes, and not everyone can time their lives to match the seasons. Look at the lights as if that’s the last time you’ll see them, and stamp them into your memory. We all take turns going through the dark, and you’ll need those memories when it’s your turn to miss seeing the lights.

 

The Nerdist Wayfarer

(This update follows 4 previous posts called The Nerdist Way 10-3-12Team Nerd 11-1-12The Nerdist Wimp 1-1-13, and The Nerdist Score- ‘aspie spoonie Lexx fan on a mission’ assessment 10-31-13.)

Chris Hardwick published The Nerdist Way: How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life) on 11-1-11. I remember him talking about it, I remember being first in line for it at my local library and still having to wait for 3 months for interlibrary loan, and I remember finally being able to read it. I couldn’t renew it because so many other people had it on hold at the libary, so I played the musical book game, getting back in line on hold every time I turned it in. A year later I finally had a little extra money and bought two copies, one for myself and one for my daughter and her husband.

I asked to be referred to a psychologist in 2007 specifically to work on public interaction after failing dismally at maintaining what could have been a very lucrative public friendship. He diagnosed me with Asperger’s and depression and assessed my GAF score at 51-60, wondering how I’d been able to get a college degree and actually hold jobs. He didn’t think my social anxiety was as severe as I thought it was, despite my having shut down all social media and ignoring the internet for an entire year. I’m also not a phone person, and he worked pretty hard with me on staying in touch with family. During all this time he watched me plunge through complete disability and helped me focus on a holistic approach to my physical and mental health during a pretty miserable couple of years. In 2011 a doctor finally diagnosed me with diabetes (on top of my already severe fibromyalgia and lupus flare ups), and once I figured out that what I was eating kept me from healing, I figured out how to turned my life around and have been getting healthier.

One vital thing further changed my outlook for my future- yep, the Nerdist book. It’s hard to figure out a direction when you can’t even do the things you enjoy for distraction, but Chris outlined his path out of his abyss, and I basically followed it. I’d read self help books before, not one of them worked at all. Chris has a completely new and fresh perspective on how not only to survive but to thrive, no matter how bad the problem is. My own problems include a very glitchy brain, so when he said my kind of people are geniuses spinning wheels and what we need is direction, I was all over that book.

I’m one of those smarty pants that tested in the top 3 percentile in high school, got over 30 on my ACT, and dumbfounded professors with my GRE scores going into grad school, but I also experienced epic brain fail between a couple of nasty viral infections and regular autoimmune flare ups, continual high pain levels coupled with handfuls of meds, and diabetes making it all worse. My brain fog was so bad that it became part of my complete disability. Using my brain on the internet became akin to crawling like a worm on the ground trying to get somewhere. Trying to keep any kind of direction going in my life besides not screwing my day up going to an appointment on the wrong day was pretty dismal. I had no direction at all, couldn’t see a way forward, and felt so utterly useless that I don’t know how I even lived. My psychologist told me perhaps my Asperger’s cushioned me against the possibilities of suicide, alcoholism, and divorce, because most women my age become wrapped up in those three biggies, even without overwhelming chronic illness egging it on, but I was nowhere near being a happy camper. I was the glum soul writing lengthy posts on why happiness doesn’t exist.

Then he watched Chris Hardwick’s book change my life.

My psychologist ‘turned me loose’ several months ago. He thinks I’m doing so well that I don’t even need to check in. My psychiatrist has told me he’s cool with me not being on any kind of head meds. I’ve worked very hard to survive depression without meds, and I have to say it’s not easy convincing a psychiatrist, so that was a big win. My doctor is thrilled that I’m off the xanax and vicodin other doctors had me on for years. I was just as addicted as any Hollywood actor flushing their life down a toilet, but I had an excuse, right? Wrong. I decided I’d rather not go down a toilet and disappear. My neurologist says I’m still healing from years ago trigeminal damage during a nasty car wreck and I will keep healing as long as I control my diabetes. My physical therapists have got me mobilized, not just up walking around but doing full spinal core strength, which has been very challenging, but you know what? It’s awesome being able to shop for my own groceries. It’s wonderful not needing help in and out of a shower. It’s marvelous being able to control my pain levels with movement.

Because I took Chris Hardwick’s book very seriously (follow my story in the posts I linked at the top of this post), I am also rebuilding my ‘web empire’. This hasn’t been easy, either. I’ve been taking very tiny steps, but since Chris coached me how to set goals and then list out the steps to reach those goals, I have been able to build what looks like a lot of work. I have been able to find purpose and joy in what I’m doing, and now I consider this my ‘job’. I work every day, I love my work, and one day my work might even pay off, but for now, I’m very satisfied that over the last two years I have come out of a wretched black hole of hopelessness and spread my wings. I no longer feel like a dismal failure face planting on the couch every day. I no longer feel sad and angry.

It’s been two years since I wrote my first post about how The Nerdist Way has helped me change my wreck of a life into a more enjoyable day by day experience that I feel good about. I can’t recommend this book enough, especially if you feel stuck and don’t know what to do next. If you have trepidations about any part of that book, please read back through my series about it, and be patient with yourself. I know exactly how hard it is, and I’m here to tell you it’s all worth it. You don’t have to croak off alone curled up on a couch because you’re hitting dead ends with doctors and jobs and despair. If you need more convincing, check out my other blogs and follow me, not just surviving depression and chronic illness, but thriving.

Spaz– my spoonie blog

PinkyGuerrero– my personal blog

Lexxperience– my fandom blog

Surveypalooza– my distraction blog

Aspienado– my aspie/work blog

DuckLordsOfTheSith– my pet chickens blog

And you can always find me on facebook and twitter.

And very definitely click this pic to get the book.

 

 

The Nerdist Wimp

Originally posted on 1-1-13 and moved here for mobile viewing.

(This post follows two previous posts called The Nerdist Way and Team Nerd, and after this post go to The Nerdist Score- ‘aspie spoonie Lexx fan on a mission’ assessment.)

I’ve been singing the praises of Chris Hardwick for founding the Nerdist Way for all us nerdlings spinning our puny little wheels and not getting anywhere with our brilliance in our dark little rooms, surrounded by tech and living on feeds. Chris knows the secret to coaxing evil villains out of the dark, and I ventured forth, blinking in the light and found my way into a real fitness center, the premise being that evil genius must be nurtured with good health. I was doing awesome one puny step at a time, reaching personal goals I didn’t believe possible for someone like me.

Kinda all blew up this last month. Holidays, stress, other people’s dramas, and then you throw in fall allergies and other people’s germs, not to mention the social pressures- social anxiety isn’t cute on its best day and blows up into a nightmarish hell around holidays. All these things start spiking depression and preexistent pain levels, and when you already live with *stuff*, sometimes the wimpy spiral back down goes out of control into the screaming before the big crash stage, and then you lay there after the holidays in a little jumbled heap wondering how in the world you can ever pull it back together.

For instance, going to physical therapy and then ‘graduating’ to the fitness center was helping me get a really good handle on my fibromyalgia, which a rheumatologist once called “severe”, and docs all feel frustrated because I react badly to so many meds. So I treat the old fashioned way- quality rest, good hydration, excellent nutrition, and psychological health projects. But all that does is create a great way to tread water. Throwing workouts into the mix actually brought the pain level DOWN, and depression easing up followed close after. I have Chris Hardwick to thank for that motivation, because no one else on the planet was getting me to take that last step into accepting fitness as a way of life.

So everything piled up again the last 6 weeks, I crashed like the alien chasing Will Smith in Independence Day, and now I’ve got to come up with a Plan. WWCHD? (What Would Chris Hardwick Do?)

First thing is assess. Go back to part one in his book The Nerdist Way and review. What are my character strengths, what things do I love doing most, what am I doing with my life ~right now~? Next thing is organize it all back into little lists and charts, just like I did in the beginning. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go with this? What will it take to get back on track? And once I have my mind organized, I can start small stepping again back into the direction I was going, remembering that since I’ve done it all before, my body will remember it and be able to click right back into the pattern. The hard part in all this is picking my crumpled crashed self back up and taking the steps. Especially in the winter. It’s nasty outside!

Assess- I’m actually not doing that bad. Before I started following the Nerdist Way I was in so much pain in my spine that I could barely sit for long or carry groceries in from my car. It seems to be coming back again, but stress and slacking off and cold weather does that, right? I. can. do. this. I don’t have to be a wimp just because I’m wimpy. Before you all think I can get up and grind along on sheer will, no I can’t. You can’t, either, that’s why you’re reading this. We suck. But Chris says we can suck in a much cooler way. All we have to do is remember our innate penchant for world domination and use our natural brainiac talents to succeed in our quest. And part of that quest is the goal for more mobility and endurance. And part of reaching that goal is to keep moving, keep learning how to keep moving correctly, keep using what we’ve learned to keep gaining more small steps toward our bigger goals. I have to be honest, I feel like everything sux again, but compared to six months ago, I’m doing pretty fabulous, so even though I went splat on my face, it’s not going to take as much work this time to get back to where I was.

Organize- The third part of The Nerdist Way was about organizing my time. Now that I’ve slumped, my life is in some disarray again, and it looks harder to get something done. I got sidetracked by all that social pressure and the resultant physical and emotional drain, and I dropped the ball on keeping a pattern going on my calendar. What I need to do is pick back up on making a pattern again, assign tasks to dates and make sure I don’t overextend myself. Small steps back into the pattern. Make it easy to get rolling again so I don’t get frustrated and give up. Worked the first time, it’ll work again.

This probably seems babyish and dumb to people who have boundless energy and preset schedules with work or school. This probably seems monumental to people who have chronic fatigue and endless time because they can’t work or go to school for various reasons. I’ve been on both sides. If you haven’t experienced THIS, then none of your advice will help me, because you won’t understand, even if you think you do. Chris Hardwick actually understands. He’s lived with a spinal injury, anxiety attacks, depression, and being overweight. You can’t even tell now. He got where he is exactly by doing what he says to do in his book. He crawled out of his ditch, made a cool nerd map, and now I’m crawling out of my ditch following his map.

I think the last time I posted about this I had very happily worked my way up to work level 4 for 15 minutes on a recumbant nustep, and 15-20 reps on various weights for core strength training. I was feeling pretty rough when I made it back into the fitness center to pay my bill a couple of weeks ago, so I dialed it back. There was no way I could pull off a hard 20-30 minutes of my full workout. So I geared the nustep back down to work level 3 and took my time pedaling over 12 minutes to warm up, while frantic people all around me flapped their body parts like crazed holiday freakazoids, sweat dripping down bodies I was afraid would collapse across me in heart attacks. Don’t exercise like that. Those kinds of noobs don’t last long at the fitness center, and all us regulars *know* it. We watch them come and go. You can tell the people who are really used to regular workouts, no matter how light or difficult, because they stay ~calm~ and pace themselves. So don’t be a noob. If you don’t feel well, take it easy, let your poor body acclimate to the warm up, then move slowly through your workout. That day I also pulled all the pins out and dialed my weights back to just 7-8 reps at only 20 pounds. My total workout time was about 18 minutes, and I was worn out because I went in feeling rough to start (fibro + virus + nasty cold weather, you get the picture). But I felt GREAT walking out that door. I could never have done that workout 6 months previously. I have apparently built up my endurance to the point of actually being able to work out on what feels like one of my worst days. *wow* I can’t tell you what that did for my mental and emotional frame of mind the rest of the day.

It’s ok to have a wimpy workout. The main thing is to keep making it out the door and feel good about accomplishing something, even if you have to dial it back a little bit. The main thing is that your body is getting stronger and more capable, even when you don’t feel like it is.

If you are having trouble getting started on your New Year goals and resolutions, please try The Nerdist Way of doing it. Your life really can change, and you can find a way to do stuff that looks impossible to you right now. Chris has it mapped out, it’s all there. Just click his pic.

:edit: 1-3-12 I can’t say enough for the nustep TRS 4000 recumbent cross trainer if you have joint pain in your feet.

:edit: 1-4-12 Nustep did not pay me to say this.

Photobucket

Team Nerd

Originally posted 11-1-12 and moved here for mobile viewing.

I am determined more than ever to enjoy my burrito. I hit a brick wall full face on this last week and slid like a bug down a windshield. I had been coasting on this new ‘energy’ I’ve been having ever since I made up my determination to suck it up and get into physical therapy and then migrate upstairs to the fitness center over the last couple of months. My pain level was coming down a bit, I was actually moving around doing real things with my life, and all the words you think are for other people were starting to filter their way into my mind- sweet, awesome, this is cool. (And getting nearly 500 views on my post The Nerdist Way is blowing me away, too.)

But you know how it is, what goes up must come down, and all it took was a spectacular autumn peak like we haven’t seen in years, and the allergies and benadryl turned into getting dehydrated again, and that spiked my fibro spasms till all the muscles across my back and butt felt like live snakes got loose under my skin, and that made it harder to drive and walk and work out…

I’m not back to square one, thank goodness, but I’m definitely back in the wimp corner. I made it into the fitness center yesterday after missing about 10 days (time to pay, that’ll get a person going), and decided I could handle a workout if I just dial it back a bit, like when I was so wimpy getting started with the physical therapy at the end of August. To my surprise, I didn’t have to dial back much at *all*.  Just kept it real slow and easy and actually pulled a 20 minute workout with severe fibromyalgia, which I could never have done in the past, but it’s like Chris says in his book, just keeping up the routine, however wimpy, gave me muscle memory that apparently I am able to fall back on and not be as big a loser as I felt like I’d be. I was able to keep my workload and weights up where I had them, I just moved s-l-o-w-l-y so my muscles wouldn’t freak out and had plenty of time to keep up with the activity. And you know what? I left feeling better than when I walked in. Worn out, but certainly not worse.  (I guess I ultimately owe Trainer Tom a great big thanx for that.)

That was so inspiring that I decided it’s time to seriously tackle part 3 of Chris Hardwick’s book- The Nerdist Way– *TIME*. As in time management. The first time I read through the book (many months ago), I couldn’t handle that part. If Chris had started his book with that section, I would never have made it, but he was a genius and small stepped me to gradual successes in other areas first, so I really do feel more mentally and physically prepared. I was inspired by part one to take my favorite stuff seriously and not see it as a waste of time, like so many people have told me all through my life. I was inspired by part two to get my poor mangled body into physical therapy for some real one on one with a professional who actually cares whether I feel gross and if I’m moving around correctly. It feels good to have someone pay a little attention to you when life sucks, you know? So I’m taking myself seriously, I’m getting out of the house, now I have this time management stuff I’m ready to look at.

I have Asperger’s, I do not have a real sense of time. While I was in college and holding jobs, I had structure and I loved it. When I have a plan laid out, I know how to fill in the free time with other stuff I need to do. But when I finally ground to a halt and couldn’t work and my brain fell out (which I’ve briefly touched on at spaz: blinking in the light), that structure was gone and time became a void. I realized as days and months went by that I need a Plan, and even more, I have to make a daily plan every single morning. You would think adapting to this over several years would become a habit, but when you deal with as much physical and mental loss as I have (and even less, it really doesn’t take much), depression swoops in and finishes you off. People who have never had anxiety and depression don’t have a *clue*. But Chris does, and now I’m getting back on a track I never dreamed I’d see again, because that man is blessed with words. I won’t repeat a lot of them , but I certainly can’t complain at all.

I know it is REALLY really hard when life sux. I once wrote a post about how I logically deduced that suicide wouldn’t actually relieve me of any pain and anguish Synchronicity, Suicide, and The Eyes, and then I pulled it into protected posting while I went through the very worst of it because I really didn’t see how I could live through everything I was dealing with. I’m making it public again, because this is important. Chris’s words were important enough to help me change my life, and I believe the rest of us have that same power. It’s important to TALK, to share, to use the words we have for other people to hang onto when life sux for them, too.

So here’s the hard part for me now, and I think it is for some of you, too. Time. I have written reams of stuff about time, I’m a cosmology nut obsessed with time travel paradoxes (and working on a story!  ), but in my own life, the paradox is that I can barely feel time passing at all. I’m one of those people who not only looks up and wonders where the last 8 hours just went, but also shows up to appointments on the wrong day, and Scott has actually had to correct me (he’s gentle and kind, bless him) about what is coming on tv any given night, because I so easily mash Tuesday and Thursday together and it’s really Wednesday. Or I’ll ask when the Vikes are playing and Scott will remind me it’s not Sunday. I really am lost without a class or work schedule structuring me through days, weeks, and months. One of my biggest challenges through the brain fog (that really is a medical term) has been following a calendar every day, and sometimes I’m off by a week or two and don’t discover till after I’ve screwed up my whole day. Other people blow this off when I bring it up, saying everyone does that, but this is a very serious problem for me. Do you know anyone else who suddenly panics about missing the fourth of July and forgetting all about shooting off the fireworks, but the 4th is really still two weeks away? I’ve done that two years in a row. Just lately I let my driver’s license expire because I couldn’t get it straight in my head which actual day of the week was my birthday, even though I posted about it on Xanga ON my birthday. And, as always, Scott takes me under his wing and gets me back on track.

But guess what- setting up a schedule for physical therapy and then the fitness center seems to be breaking through all that. I have structure now! And I’m realizing I can set up this structure for myself by setting up goals through the fitness center, mapping out my whole month, and then filling up the free time with other things I want to get done. It’s been incredible, except that, yeah, I hit the wall lately and slid like a bug yada yada.

Yeah, so I’m reading part 3 in The Nerdist Way these last couple of weeks and realizing Hey, I’m kinda getting this stuff… can I apply it to my own life? Might be tricky. The first thing I did, thank you Chris, was use my natural inclinations to compartmentalize my email into several accounts I already had set up and wasn’t using, and I can’t tell you how much this has already destressed me. Spam and junk that I can’t seem to get turned off all go to one place (seems like every new app I try with Facebook and Twitter suddenly sends more my way), and doing business online goes to another. I won’t rewrite his book, but I’ll add that I know just even doing that much looks like a mountain of work to some of you, because it sure did to me. And then the other sections on finances and stuff, I mean, yeah, I’m a nerd, I *get* that the process will work, but the sheer brain fog I have to get through was so daunting that I had to put the book down, multiple times. But you know what? It’s sinking in, line by line, week by week, and I’m actually doing it, bit by bit, and I’m THRILLED with the results. I truly am.

Get this- 4 months ago I was practically nonexistent on the internet. I had wiped out nearly everything I ever created, including my Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace accounts, most of my Xanga accounts, half my Photobucket (I still can’t bear to think of the screams coming from Lexx fans around the world), and I barely logged on once a week even to email my own family. Where am I now? Lexx is coming back up, I have all new accounts all over the place, I’m not only able to keep track but I’m also producing material like crazy with brain fog and getting way more traffic than I ever expected or projected in only 4 months, and everyone around me is dizzy. We’re ALL wondering how I’m doing it! TIME MANAGEMENT! Go Chris, you ~rock~! I started using some of those cool spirals I bought (your suggestion!) to keep lists of what I was getting done so I could see that every day I really was getting real work done. Even if all I do is fix a broken link, that is real work that I accomplished. Even if all I do is write down an idea I have for something later, that is real work that I accomplished. It’s getting to where every time a little thought hits my brain, a few cells go Oh, that would only take a couple of minutes, let’s go do that. I feel like I drag through my days doing tiny little things that don’t mean much, but then I step back and look at the whole thing, like a post I wrote or a website I built or photos I got loaded into Photobucket, and I go wow, I really did get a LOT done. I feel like I muddle through my day, but it’s more of a directioned muddling now, a sort of listed and inventoried muddling, and I’ve gotta tell you, I’m blowing my psychologist away. Five years with the guy, and he is watching Chris Hardwick change my life. I may not be able to sit or stand an hour straight on a job or function mentally well enough to follow directions, but I am still a very useful person doing what I love most on the internet.

My very favorite part of the Time section is “Become an Evil Genius”. >=) heh heh. Oh, that Chris, we had brain sex right there, and it was really good for me. ”Granted, some can be a pain in the ass- what with their carelessly snuffing out innocent lives in the selfish pursuit of their desires and all- but when you dissect their mental DNA, you find an EXCELLENT time manager that is willing to stop at nothing to achieve greatness.” My personal skill set includes a severe sleep disorder. I have done meds and sleep hygiene and all that crap, but in the end, why not just get up and piddle around on the computer? I can sleep later! (I never do.) But instead of wasting all those wee hours popping awake at the crack of dawn on London time, why not just obsess over code wrangling? Which I *love*. Let other fans make the art manipulations, let other bloggers go on about politics and relationships, I’m busy mangling one of my blogs with html I swiped out of someone’s source code, and omg I really did screw up the internal frames and tables on my blog andIcan’tfixit aaaahhhhh… I get my little thrills going. 

Depression totally wasn’t letting me do that, so Chris has somehow helped me break through the depression, too. My psychologist says it’s because I have something to focus on and keep me busy now, which, again, circles back around to Chris. He says it’s cool if I’m an evil genius.

Apologies, I got rambly, and some of you who stuck through this far are grumbling for me and Chris to get a room by now, but seriously, it’s still working. About the time I think I’m sinking back to having only half a burrito left (love you too, Jonah Ray!), even when I feel stalled out, I notice I’m still going forward in a progressive kind of way, even if I have to get the magnifying glass out to measure micrometers. (Yes, I know, I’d really need a microscope.) I can only imagine where I’ll be in another 4 months if I can keep this believing in myself momentum up!

This story continues at The Nerdist Wimp.

Click pic to see the book!