being #aspie

One of my favorite things to hate about the human race is the way people automatically tend to anthropomorphize, ascribe, and project their own feelings and points of view on others around them. I suppose it’s an adaptive trait of some kind that might even be functional somehow, but I find it extremely annoying when it points my direction.

I generally blog in a more positive fashion nowadays, so that lead-in probably sounded bitter. Believe it or not, I’ve worked very hard for many years to sound positive because flatly making global statements like that one does a couple of things I don’t intend, like put the listener on the defensive, and put personal feelings I’m not even having into the listener’s mind. I’ve been seeing a psychologist regularly since 2007 for exactly these kinds of mixups because of my Asperger’s, and it has taken this long for me to reach the point of finally being able to verbalize them.

When I first started blogging, I was terrified. I learned very quickly to mask who I really was because of the repercussion of being discovered by my coworkers. I was not savvy enough at first to know how to avoid creating very complicated awkward situations simply by writing down something as innocuous (I felt) as I couldn’t believe the little dog who lived in the hotel was allowed to poop all over the lobby carpet when there was a $7000 one-off sculpture in the front window. I wrote it because it was my job to clean up the stupid poop and then apologize to guests as they checked in and out of the hotel. Well, the dog won, I had to leave that job because the relationships with my coworkers became unbearable, and by my next job I had learned to at least fake my name online while I entertained my readers with crazy stories about being a late night hotel desk clerk.

I guess I’m getting really good at pretending. That’s the goal, isn’t it, to pretend I’m normal like everyone else? I’ve been practicing for years how to pass off as less annoying (that’s not the normal part, sadly, but I have a special way of being annoying that apparently shines like neon). Sometimes it helps to pretend I’m a Vulcan in Star Fleet, just stuffing down what I really feel in order to get along, using rules and regs as a sort of shield. That actually backfires a lot, mostly because people don’t know I’m using a pretend world to help monitor my behavior, which overly complicates things suddenly veering off course until I find myself in yet another unfixable social mess. Attempts to logically lay out the order of events that preceded the cataclysm have always epic failed, so I have given up trying to communicate after ‘splosions go off. Something about that making it worse, although I don’t understand how or why studying the causes of a problem in order to avoid it the next time can make things worse.

In my experience, the more emotion-driven a person is that I’m interacting with, the more catastrophic the explosion at the end, and then I’m left torn and ragged with sadness and bewilderment. Honestly, these unbalanced relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning, I have the track record to prove it. As far as I can understand what goes wrong, it starts with people expecting me to ‘behave’ (in my mind I’m expected to perform on demand), and then they ascribe or project what they think I’m feeling into the relationship based on my performance of the expected behavior, and then when I try to interject a little to correct the misconceptions, all kinds of feelings get hurt and all that is left to do (if I want to continue in the relationship) is put my pretend face back on. I hate, I loathe being a fake. But when I am openly myself, I get super popular very quickly and attract people from several different points of view that don’t mesh well, and then to my horror and shock they start obliterating each other, effectively turning me into an undesired focal point of hostile territory. I might genuinely like all the people I stay in touch with on social media, but when I cross the streams, bad stuff starts happening that I can’t control. It wouldn’t be so bad if all I had to do was sit back and watch, but when people expect me to take sides, I tend to bail on the friendships. I hate taking sides.

Even more than that, I hate having to explain to people what is going on (especially since I’ve been baited a few times and stabbed later). Why did I say this, why is someone doing that, all I have to do is talk to a bunch of different people and next thing I know, arguments are dragging out with my name tagged all over them, feelings are being dumped all over public media with my name tagged all over them… More and more people project what must be in MY head based on how my friends are behaving. It’s probably noteworthy that I have a history of abruptly deleting accounts over things like this, never to be seen again. I especially dislike the feeling of being owned. What’s really nerve wracking is having a close friend who excels in starting trubbas, throwing me into a facepalm spotlight without much warning- that was a cute one to extricate myself from a few years ago.

I’m maxed out again. I’ve been able to keep most of this stuff off public media for several months now. I could list the people who will contact me privately apologizing, and it’s not them. I’m not trying to prompt a discussion, in fact, maybe I should close comments on this post. (Or maybe not.) I’m very close to being a professional blogger now. I’ve been blogging for ten years solid. I’ve seen it all, been wildly popular among particular groups and completely anonymous among others. One thing I’ve seen happen consistently- people project feelings onto other people and stuff goes boom.

I understand that people get mood swings and go through depressions and menopause and losses and scary illnesses and whatever. I have loads of experience interacting with terminals, spoonies, people with mental illness, religious and political zealots, and buttholes who make everyone else more miserable with whatever problem they have with other people being open and honest. There’s a lot of discipline behind not allowing people to drag me into negative stuff, and that’s actually the coolest thing I’ve ever learned. But I’m not cool enough yet, certainly not professional enough yet to not write this out.

I love social media. I hate communication problems. The defining hurtle for me as an aspie is emotion-fraught misconceptions. Some people I have met who are geniuses of social media have learned how to master the train wreck, as it were. Their social skills at creating problems and using negativity to draw crowds borders on the power of the Dark Side. I admire that. But I will never do that, because I don’t like stepping on other people to get attention for myself. A couple of people who have quietly watched me tick on blogs and facebook and twitter have nailed me as the person behind the curtain, promoting others before myself, pumping their traffic and followers before my own, and I’m very very good at it. I play this game of blogs where it looks like I really don’t get a lot of attention, but what I see behind the curtains is who still checks on everything I’m doing in the last eight years, who watched for me to come back out public, who for God knows why still seem curious where I’m really going with my stuff. This would be happening even if I didn’t link blog posts on twitter. It used to spook me. Now I feel like those are the real friends who truly respect my boundaries and just stay back, whether they understand me being aspie or not. And they may not even be my friends, they might be crazy obsessed fans or people waiting to make money off me or maybe even people terrified I’ll disappear again or spill the truth about something. I don’t even care. As long as people don’t show up at my house, fine. That has really happened, it got weird.

If I really wanted to rock an aspie blog like other aspies are doing, it would probably get pretty popular, because I am the bluntest evil villain I know when I don’t bite my tongue in half and swallow it. But that’s not who I want to be ‘famous’ as. I don’t want the kind of popularity where followers turn and group hate on anyone who defies me. I’ve watched this happen in every venue from big time celebrities down to basic anonymous nobodies. What gets really scary is when a celebrity or author or somebody with a lot of followers has to come out with a statement about depression, because they get wind of someone committing suicide in response to online bullying. What a catch-22, inciting to riot like it’s a game and then flipping over asking people to be compassionate and forgiving. It’s so easy to walk away and not respond to that crap, and yet so hard, and the crux is when people who did the inciting admit they have the depression or the suicidal family member. They know better.

I’m struggling. I’ve been mentioning for several weeks now I’m having challenges staying public. I’m not going to say why or who or what is going on. I’m not going to discuss it in private. I will talk to who I feel like talking to on public media. I’m a public aspie being pulled in multiple directions by several different interests, and if I wanna cross streams on my own turf, that is my business. Side taking and favoritism is not a service I have to render, jealousy or freaking out about who I talk to will no longer be tolerated, and before anyone thinks this post is going to a single person, don’t give yourself so much credit, because I’ve been doing this balancing act with a number of people. If you haven’t noticed, then I’ve been doing a good job handling it. I would never have wasted this much time blogging about a single person, which would actually be a passive-aggressive way to deal with a personal problem. Speaking as an aspie, this has become an overwhelming challenge from several directions. I suppose one answer would be to block or unfollow, but past experience says that only means I wind up shutting everything down again. Simply not responding and keeping it off my timeline is preferable.

I am aspie. Mask off. I want to stand up for what I like and believe in, and not cave to pressure to behave certain ways just because someone thinks I’m stepping out of line if I don’t. If I don’t feel like condoning something, I’m not going to just because a friend tags me. (Many people tag me, few get retweeted.) If some of you out there are still too scared to tweet with me because it might upset a few other people, I’m sorry stuff happens, but time passes and we’re all still human. I interact on multiple lists, I can’t be catering to each one exclusively, especially if I’m being ascribed or projected feelings based on expected behaviors. I could be just another aspie doing a public balancing act but I’d rather not be typecast and lumped into *just* aspie, because there is so much more I’m trying to do. People talk about glass ceilings- I’m working very hard toward my biggest explosion yet. I want it to be fun this time, not sad like the last time was.

I’m sorry, but that means I have to kill you all now.

winning the suck contest

This week Sept 9-15, 2013 is National Chronic Illness Awareness Week. Actually, I think it’s worldwide. And I think it’s being called Invisible Illness Awareness Week now –> http://invisibleillnessweek.com/

I have a special blog called spaz at http://jankita.blogspot.com/ for my ‘drag’ posts. I don’t write a whole lot of those for the public, but when I do, I make sure they don’t suck to read.

pill phobia at its finest –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2011/03/pill-phobia-at-its-finest.html

blinking in the light –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2012/07/blinking-in-light.html

walking in the air –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2012/08/walking-in-air.html

I like it dark –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2012/12/i-like-it-dark.html

I’m blue –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2012/12/im-blue.html

aspie overload –> http://jankita.blogspot.com/2013/09/aspie-overload.html

I know it’s hard. Believe me, I KNOW.

There are two ways to look at life- selfish vs. selfless. The biggest challenge I ever had was figuring out how to cut through all the overwhelming pain, fatigue, and brain melts to be kind to other people. It’s so easy to fall into the dark pit where you think because it all sucks for you that the rest of the world owes you and has to excuse you. Um, no they don’t. No one owes you anything, and there is no excuse for treating other people badly, no matter how crap your own life is. I don’t care how unfair life is, if all you can do on this planet is whine and moan and treat other people badly, you suck.

I had to face this. I had to own the fact that I suck. I had to accept that life is unfair. You cannot truly go on until you take these things into yourself and digest them down into something you can turn inside out into being someone other people actually want to be around. (That sentence was a handful.) No one wants to be around you when you suck. And no matter who you are, life will always feel unfair. You don’t get context until you go through stuff yourself, and any time something doesn’t go the way you want it to, it sucks. Simple formula.

There is no contest. I’m not out to win My Life Sux Worse So You Have To Be Nice To Me More Than I Have To Be Nice To You. But some people ante up like it’s a contest. We each have a headache, mine sux more than yours, ok but mine is on top of this bad day I’m having, and we go on and on building up these monuments to our bad days. You know what? There is nothing more depressing than trying to win the worst day contest. Just everything sux, let’s move on to another subject, ok?

I’ve had 30 years of life altering suck. But I noticed some people have way worse suck than I have. I may live with pain levels that would have other people thinking suicide, but I’ve never been in a fire. I’ve never lost my own child. I’ve not yet had cancer. Yeah I’ve gone through stuff, but there is no comparison between me and someone who has been in a fire and had reconstructive surgeries and still all scarred up. They have their own suck, I have mine. Same with any other pain, grief, and despair. Sooner or later, I don’t care who you are, your life will suck in ways that you never dreamed would ever happen to you. The sucky stuff opens our eyes and hearts and challenges our souls.

I wrote a sorta lengthy post on my bluejacky blog a few years ago called “Synchronicity, Suicide, and the Eyes” –> http://bluejacky.xanga.com/2008/07/23/synchronicity-suicide-and-the-eyes/ There comes a point where we ask ourselves if being here on this planet is more about us being worth the air we breathe. It’s important that we get past that yawning black cavern of self pity and see the light around us. Even with full blown suck, I’m so glad I got the chance to be here.

Chronic Illness or Invisible Illness Awareness Week, whatever you want to call it, I’m glad another group is ganging up on the public because there really does need to be more thought out there about stuff all around us that we might shrug off or take for granted. For instance, I have difficulty pulling or pushing doors open in public buildings, so I need the little handicap button thingy. One year I had a lot of difficulty moving quickly and got smashed in a door in a big beautiful bank because the button was so far away from the door that even an able bodied person without pain would have to walk quickly. It hurt real bad and I cried. It was mortifying and embarrassing and brought all the wrong kinds of attention. There is no dignity in being bruised up by an automatic door on a day you can barely keep it together in the first place to run your errands. So yes, I think Awareness Week is fab and helpful and whatever.

But I’m just saying that we’ll get more awareness if we aren’t hateful and crabby and snotty about it. It’s important to remember that we are ALL human, and that we ALL need to be kind and good at communicating. Maybe it’s not fair that some of us have to do it through a fuzzy static of crap, but other people will listen better if we can be cool about it.

It’s very hard sometimes to be nice when everything sux and it’s overwhelming your brain. I know other people can find me a little shocking on bad days. So my contribution to Invisible Illness Awareness Week is to beg the public to please not take me personally, please blow my crabbiness off when the suckiness is taking me down, please forgive me for seeming like a jerk when I react to something minor, please understand that underneath my reaction is my horrified recoil when I look at myself and then the overwhelming depression that I’m ugly when I suck. I want very much to be wonderful and sweet and for you to like me, but some days that feels almost impossible. So please love me anyway, even when I suck.